Hate

Hate is such a strong yet an extremely tiring emotion.......  As hard as it is to hear it: the only best solution is to let it go.  Holding on to all that hate can be damaging to your body emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

My mom still holds onto this anger towards my dad, and I honestly don't blame her.  She went through a lot and I will probably never understand what they went through but her hate towards my dad is resonating and is causing a cascading effect in my siblings.  It hurts me to see my siblings side with my mom without trying to understand my dad's side.  It takes TWO for a relationship to work and similarly it takes TWO for a relationship to end.  It brings tears to my eyes to see other parents work out and mine didn't.  What hurts me most is witnessing how truly lonely and miserable both my parents are now.  My mom may smile and seem happy but I can see right through her.  She works hard, goes to church, goes shopping... but when she's alone I'd see her cry.  And I feel like religion holds her back from finding someone new because she can't remarry until my dad passes away (one of many things I disagree about church).  My siblings and I try to spend as much time as we can with her.  My dad on the other hand, even though he created a new family, I can see how much it hurts him to leave us behind... but I am glad he found love because I would hate for him to be alone.  Knowing my mom, sadly she knows how to shut people out of her life... I wish she and my dad were at least civil.  It would teach Mayumi that people can still have some sort of relationship rather than teaching her "hate."

Watching my parents taught me so much about relationships and human behavior.  It is because of them I decided to study Psychology and Child Development.  I wanted to know how to put into words what happened to my parents, how they raised my siblings and I, and why my siblings and I turned out the way we did.  I also wanted to know the "right" way to raise children.  Studying at San Jose State University has opened my eyes and I feel like I've learned so much applicable knowledge.

I love my parents.  I know how much my parents loved each other... but somewhere along their marriage was constant disrespect and miscommunication that led to lots of misunderstandings that blew out of proportion.  Because of them I'm a strong believer of "COMMUNICATION IS KEY."  I've concluded that my parents are ordinary human beings with emotions... they're good people who made some bad decisions in their relationship.  I don't think I'm an expert in relationships at all but just from what I've learned from my studies and from being in a 9 year relationship with Brian AND seeing Cathrine and Daniel's 11 year relationship, my parents could've worked things out but they were tired of trying.  Being in the relationship was just too hurtful for them to stay in it.

...I just wish them both happiness and for my mom to find love again.

My goals

I was looking through my old blogging site recently, and I found a post that I wrote on April 6, 2009 that said:

"After taking a couple years off from college, I'm behind. But I'm not that far behind. Starting Fall '09, I plan to become full-time at school and part-time at work. You know, re-prioritizing my life. I want to get out of Mission College and transfer to San Jose State University. So hopefully by Fall 2010 I'll be in San Jose State."

Reading this makes me teary-eyed.  I remember getting into arguments with Brian about school, and my argument would be that college is just a way for the government to take money from of us, and that people get good jobs even without a degree, and that it's all about your connections.  It kind of makes me laugh inside knowing that I used to think that way.  Now I'm seeing that I made a huge U-turn with my life (and I will admit that Brian eventually won that argument years ago).  It just makes me happy that I'm reaching my goals.  It has taken me almost 4 years to get my Bachelor's Degree... and I'm thinking about new goals to reach afterwards.  My next goal would be to obtain my teaching credential which will take 3 semesters to complete.  I probably won't begin that goal until the Fall of 2013 at SJSU.  My goal after that is to have a full-time job before I reach 30 years old.

On a relative note, I don't believe in "it's now or never."  However, I  DO STRONGLY believe in "it's better late than never."  Only because everyone is on their own pace, and only YOU know when YOU are ready.  I don't agree to "now or never" because I believe in windows of opportunity, I believe that more doors will open after one has closed, and I believe in taking your time to think things through before making a decision you might regret.  Take your time.  There's no need to rush in life... at all.  Some people get things done early, and some people are just "late bloomers."  Who cares?  Because when you know you've put your mind and heart into something, and you've persevered through it -- IT'S FEELS RIGHT no matter how long it took you to obtain that goal.

My Last Semester

Today is the first day of my last semester as an undergraduate at San Jose State University.  I'm excited, curious, scared, and nervous all at the same time.  I know for a fact that this is going to be the most hectic semester ever but I am keeping in mind that it's DO-ABLE... nothing's impossible if you put your mind (and time) to it :) Let the semester begin!

My 2012 New Year's Resolutions

1. Be true to myself and to my family, friends, and Brian
2. Stay positive, appreciate the pleasant outcomes, and learn from the rest
3. Less Facebooking and more of living in the moments
4. Savor life's joys
   
5. Don't get caught up in other people's problems
6. Perform random acts of kindness on a daily basis
7. Compliment people who deserve it
8. Take care of my body
   

Even the greatest joys bring challenge

Brian and I have recently gone through a rough patch in our relationship and during the process it altered our views of each other and it eventually put things into perspective. I'd be lying if I told you we're the perfect couple because.... we're not. We're not perfect at all and that's completely okay because we do our best. Like in any other relationships, we argue, make up, learn, and move on to the next challenge... sometimes we repeat the same mistakes to finally learn. In the end of every challenge, we find ourselves stronger as a couple and as individuals. I believe we lasted this long because we have never wanted to give up on each other when times got tough. I mean, we have argued to the point where we've considered that "single life" option but then we realize how much we enjoy the "relationship life" even more. Why? Because it's challenging. It's exciting. It's a challenge itself to be in a relationship because it requires a lot of sacrifice to make the other person happy; it requires forgiveness and believing in the best in them; it requires honesty and trust; it requires more listening than talking which then leads to understanding; it requires a little jealousy to motivate us to appreciate the little things; it requires a lot of patience; it requires empathy; it requires being completely yourself; it requires acceptance. And to be honest, ALL of these requirements are easier said than done.

On top of all that, you're challenging yourself (and each other) during the process. The ways that I've challenged myself is mostly through self-control in terms of emotions. Controlling my emotions has changed my impulsive behaviors. I've also learned to channel my emotions into hobbies such as art, music, cooking, reading, writing, and sometimes running. Another one of my many personal challenges, was finding that self-respect. In high school, I had low self-esteem (or self-love, whatever you want to call it). I was self-conscious and it didn't feel good to be in that state of mind. Being with Brian, he showed me my worth. I know it's weird that I found self-respect from Brian because usually people are supposed to love themselves first before loving another like the saying: "love yourself first before you can love others" ...well I found my self-worth the opposite way. I learned to love myself after loving another person. In fact, Brian just got the ball rolling for me - I did the self-lovin' on my own :)

Overall, our victories together gave our relationship value/essence/quality... which to me is worth investing my time and heart into.

Mine and Brian's room

Enjoy life

I miss the preschoolers. It makes me sad knowing that I probably won't see them again. When I went to the Asian grocery store, I saw some snacks that reminded me of the preschoolers and it almost made me cry! It's because some of the kids had trouble opening their snacks and I would help them open it. During snack time, that's when I get the opportunity to know each of them personally by asking them questions... and what they say is really interesting. Even though kids lack experience, I admire their love for learning. I know they'll be okay in the future. I think I just got too attached to them since it was my first year teaching. I just want to wish them good luck in their future endeavors :)

So lately, it seems that everyone around my age is obsessing over making lots of money. I understand why: bills, adulthood, and it's about the time to make or support a family of their own..... but really what's the rush? E.N.J.O.Y.L.I.F.E. I just don't think it's worth stressing over making loads of money. Focusing on the simple things in life and appreciating the people in your lives right now is what I believe matters most. Focus on yourself and do what makes you happy.... art, music, love, cooking, singing, pets, sewing, working out, photography, etc. What's your hobby?

Time flies...

I've been so busy that I've forgotten how to stop and take time to reflect on my life. I post on Twitter a lot though thinking that it would compensate for my absence here on Blogspot. But I should blog more because I've forgotten that the main reasons why I blog are:

1. Personal growth - I like looking back at my blogs to see how I've grown as a person. Before I started blogging online, I used to write in journals and it dates back to when I was in the 6th grade. Sometimes I cannot believe how immature and inconsiderate I used to be. Sometimes I feel like slapping my past self. Of course, the content of my blogs changed tremendously... and that's the beauty of writing through the years.
   
2. Experiences - I truly believe that without experiences and truly learning from them, one cannot grow. Breakups, heartaches, accomplishments, happiness, failures, and successes are all important topics to write (or talk) about. After taking several psychology classes, I have learned that it is healthier in the long run to express your feelings than to hold it in. It keeps one healthy physically and psychologically. Because I write about my experiences, I believe it contributed to my overall happiness and contentment with my life.

School
I finally declared my major last month and after thinking it through and through, I've decided to major in Child and Adolescent Development. I have 14 classes left to take before I can get my Bachelor's Degree. My goal? To graduate by Fall of 2012. Then afterwards, I will continue school to get my teaching credential. Realistically, I will most likely be finished with school at age 28.

Work/Preschool
Due to the budget cuts in California, the city of Milpitas decided to cut the Preschool program where I work. It's truly sad that they had to cut it. It's now up to the people in the community to save the Preschool program... otherwise, I need to find another job :( On a brighter note, working there made me realize how much I love working with children! Working at this preschool is the MAIN reason why I decided to major in Child and Adolescent Development. It makes me happy to see a kid improve. My co-teacher Ms. Diane taught me a lot about teaching kids and I've acquired her teaching style. She's awesome and I'm truly going to miss her and all the kids when this school year is over. I strongly dislike how some people generalize kids as "brats." I think those who have an overall negative opinion of kids simply don't have the patience to understand them. Truth: Kids are fun little people :) They have their own personalities and they are fun to talk to. They're always down to learn and try new things. What I've learned? Make learning creatively fun and positive without being forceful and super strict - that's the only way you'll gain respect from children.

Redecorated our room
Earlier this month, Brian and I were determined to change our room. We've been talking about it for so long but we've never had time to finally do it. His old closet was pretty much falling apart. It had the capability to store a lot but it was hard to organize things with his old closet. So Brian and I went to IKEA several times. We bought some black furniture, we painted his room dark grey, bought some lighting, and reorganized EVERYTHING. So now the room is almost complete! All we need now is a bed frame and maybe some wall shelves. So now..... I love coming home :)